Do you ever feel the chaos in your mind? Do you process it in the same way? Do you feel so chaotic in your mind that you feel crazy?
Branded and accused, manipulation does funny things to you even after the end of the tunnel. Better yet, does your body attack itself,
You feel like your stuck in a perpetual cycle of soul destroying exhaustion, pain, sickness and suicidality, You know the circle, for a while your fine, happy, content, stable,
The next moment the irritability starts, then the burning, stabbing pain, Then the rage, the torture, the wall that creeps up on you out of the pitch black,
Like the wave of depression, pain and just wanting it all to end slaps you in the face a thousand times and more,
And then, I want to die. I don’t want to, in the sane, rational mind, I just want it all to stop,
In those moments, I have wanted and tried to die, and my god I have fought myself so hard in my life.
There were years where I thought I was insane, fighting with the silent grip on my mind and body so routinely.
Being suffocated, battered and bruised, gasping for breath just to do it all over again.
Doctors refused to listen, ‘you have depression, you should speak to someone.’
Until one day, after a suicide attempt, one kind woman, doctor, chose to listen, to actually listen to me,
Put aside weight, age and assumptions, she validated my link between my struggle and my hormones.
It was far from the end but it felt like I could breathe a little easier. Then there’s the tests blood tests, scans, internal exams, pregnancy tests, acknowledgements from close friends I had let in, more blood tests..
A trial on medication. A diagnoses. It’s not gone but it is easier to breathe, the instability is less dramatic, the mind is still a work in progress.
After my attempt I couldn’t bring myself to write again for months, it scared me, if I wrote I’d be tempted to die again. Then one day, the words came and my mind was full, and here I am again.
While I do not always feel stable, I am not living to die all the time ❤️
Bethyy267 