Orbs boring into the body, as they float, drifting from place to place. She could feel their judgement, darting around, searching for the gazes she could feel. Nothing, of course, there never was.
‘Am I crazy? I don’t think I am’. Memories, feelings flooding her core,
‘strong, be strong. Only a few more minutes. Come on, we can do this, bite it back’. Battling within for control, good versus bad.
Sliding behind the solid oak once again, releasing the breath, held for too long.
“Safe” she whispers into the silence once again. As the drowning begins, sinking, shaking. Overwhelmed.
‘Breathe! How do I breathe? What’s wrong with me? It was never this hard before’.
‘Stupid, why are you so stupid? Why couldn’t we be normal? What’s wrong with you? Why does life hurt? Will it ever stop?’. Her chest heaves, salt flows down her porcelain esque features. Broken again, knowing it isn’t forever. The numbness will come again. Happiness exists.
‘I will be okay, but right now. I’m really not’. Unknowingly her claws rake at her skin, desperate to feel anything but the darkness swallowing her very being in the moment.
‘No! No, I can’t’ heavy and shallow. Breaking her silence, her body wracks. Time passes, painfully. Her state unchanging, the dark post-numbness clouds her. Mind consumed in darkness, ready to break again at any moment. Like a trial,
‘last this long and you’ll be okay again for a while’ as she rocks herself in a calm deep dark numbness, the ultimate sweet release ever closer. Eyes heavy, chest rising and falling slowly, thoughts slowing…..mumbling to herself
“Sometimes, sleep is the only help.”